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My Near Death Experience - raseel

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September 11th, 2006


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11:04 am - My Near Death Experience
Most people will think I am exaggerating after reading this article. However, others who hate the metal-horned devil as much as I do , will compassionately agree.

It all began when I mistook the Judas and the disguised Iron Maiden (not the band�..the actual medieval weapon of ancient and instant death) as nothing but merely a colleague at work and a motor-bike(read : any two wheeler with a motor) respectively.

Oh how na�ve I was to misunderstand the malicious and sadistic invitation for the dance of death. �Hey, we�ll go together after work. I have a bike and we stay close by�.
I bet everything I own , from my meaningless collection of adapters to the last hair on my body, that if that sentence were recorded and played backwards , it would sound something like �Come Raseel, I�ll try and kill you in the most horrendous and terrifying way known or imagined by human kind.�

Well, nonetheless , there I was. On a motor-bike from the dust clad Saki-Naka towards Mahim via the Dance of Death.

From the moment we started, he decided that his right foot was a thing he would keep staring at, especially whenever we are at a good 60kmph and the traffic is pretty tight. He also thought that I would, for some reason, enjoy the jerky and abrupt braking style, which seemed to me that he must have picked up from day-one of driving bikes.

I was uncomfortable from the start, sitting on that horrid thing. I was getting cramps all over my thighs and before I could adjust myself to it, he managed to convey to me telepathically that we should both balance the mo-bike�.together, i.e., every time he bends on the left I should straighten out my legs whilst bending towards the right.

Soon after the gut-wrenching pain on both my thighs had subsided (or was it that I got used to it?) and we avoided banging thirteen other vehicles and 45 (lost count after that) innocent pedestrians, we reached a clearer patch of road. He had warmed up by then and suddenly sped towards, what initially looked like a��man . He benevolently let the woman live and continued his ascent of gears. A moment after that, my heart assumed the role of the rats and my body, that of a sinking ship. In front of us, lying without a care in the world was a big fat �. Speed-breaker. Now, I am of the opinion that these particular lethargic species tend to turn up only when you are either in a hurry or when you are speeding really fast. I was naturally, in the latter case. But our hero-on-wheels thought it was an ego issue to slow down for a bourgeoisie lump of stripped tar. He just didn�t slow down. And a moment later I knew what it felt like to fly. Only, I was too busy concentrating on my entire life flashing before my eyes. The thud with which I landed (mind you, he landed comfortably ) has now left me unable to breed. The loud and painful �T-H-U-D�, by the way, was from inside my pants. Oh yeah, I could also see stars and little fluorescent spots dancing in front of my eyes. For my spinning brain, everything else was just a purple haze.

By the time I got out from that lovely coma, we were on the highway. We were doing 500kmph then, but somehow the bike�s tachometer showed 80��must have been broken from our little episode with the breaker, I�m sure !!!

At that point I realized that the man driving the bike was a man who made his own rules� A man who did not believe in staying within limits�.A man who did not just believe what others told him�..basically, A man who did not believe in Gravity. He had completely refused its existence and hence was bending and turning the bike as his august mind wished. My previously out-of-focus �entire-life� was now passing before my eyes vividly. I was sure that death wasn�t far away. It was just titillating with my soul before flying away with it.

To top it all were all these soothing noises around me. The immensely calming roar of the carbon-monoxide spitting trucks , the long, shrill honking of the irritating Maruti�s , the spurting, coughing snare of the auto rickshaws, the rattling of the bike I was sitting on �.. the list just goes on. The embarrassingly lame thing was, that in my I�m-sure-I�m-gonna-die moments, it seemed like all these vehicles around me were menacingly staring at me and abusing me in their own automobile lingo.

At he same time, my chauffer had decided to play the game of My-motorbike-tires-must-kiss-all-the-potholes-and-ditches-on-the-way. And trust me, he was amazingly good at it.
Of course, once in a while, the motorbike used to come to life and decide to go on its own course (these were usually the moments when my driver chose to stare at his right ankle or foot). The motorbike, unlike its driver, was a pro-Gravity-arian and kept trying to hug the ground.

Traffic Rules was another thing that our hero did not believe in. Going from rightmost side of the road to the leftmost side without the slightest change in speed or regard for others was a matter of habit to him. Signals, he must have decided, were a condescending restriction for all those morons who bore the stupid and worthless thing called civic-sense in that mythical thing called the brain.

Finally we reached Mahim. I had seen what hell looked like and come to terms with the fact that I was not gonna live. Death, in a horrific and excruciatingly painful way, was now inevitable. So, when I saw Mahim creek I knew it was just Satan�s way of teasing his subjects before he stole away their souls to eternal damnation. In human language we call it �Playing with your prey�.

In another 15 mins. of uneventful ( only compared to the aforementioned) ride, I was below my building. When I got down from the bike, I thought I would never ever be able to walk with straight legs ever again. My pelvis was begging for euthanasia. He bade me farewell in a seemingly normal manner, but I know that his bike was saying something on the lines of �Go live your miserable life you rat, you are too lowly to be killed by me.�

That night I kissed my house, my pillow, my computer�.basically everything that came my way. I have never slept more peacefully my entire life���and oh by the way, I hate riding motorbikes.

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